MUGWUMP

Before there was Fox

I've been working on a script that's set in 1978. Here's what the primetime television schedule looked like back then.

Making Music

My young artist and musical friend Ben Kinsley has some great stuff for you to see. (I used to babysit this guy... ACK!)

HEHE

If you like seeing Ivy-Leaguers playing pranks on other Ivy-Leaguers, watch this. Wish someone could have pulled something like this together for the RNC.

I said "DANCE!!!"

The short of it: 13-year-old boy holds stripper at gunpoint and orders her to perform.

Seriously..., I can't make this stuff up.

The dangerous chasm between .com and .org

is best explained in this story.

If you want to vote for a 3-WAY, dial 1-800-IDOLS-04.

If you want to vote for FISTING, dial 1-800-IDOLS-05.

Phone lines are now open.

Story #2: Parenting 101

I was making myself a grilled cheese sandwich today and when I got the bread out of the cupboard, I noticed that only the heels of the loaf were left.  I don't know about you, but when I get a new loaf of bread, I sort of skip over that first piece (a heel) and go right for the 'meat' of the loaf.  Somehow or another, as the bread diminishes with each slice taken or sandwich made, that front heel works its way down further and further until finally, the meat of the loaf is all gone and the two heels sit together waiting either to be grudgingly eaten or wastefully thrown out if a new loaf arrives in time.

Anyway, I was fairly hungry and didn't want to make a trip to the store so I decided to make the grilled cheese sandwich out of the two heels.  As I waited patiently for the cheese to 'grill', I had a flashback to my childhood.  

I remembered standing in our old kitchen next to my mother watching her make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, both for her and me. On occasion, she'd hand me my PBJ, one side of which was a heel, whereas her sandwiches were ALWAYS made from the meat of the loaf.  

I would complain, "Mom, I don't like this," pointing to the all-crust, heel side of the sandwich and everytime she'd reply, "Go ahead and eat it Kerry.  Those slices are healthier for you."  So, defeated by adult knowledge, I'd go off and eat my sandwich.

So I'm still waiting for the cheese to grill as this halcyon memory plays out in my head when I suddenly realize, "Wait a second! The heels are just baked bread! It's not like the skin on a potato!  It's just baked bread!!!"

I have to believe my mother wasn't stupid enough to think that the heels of the loaf were actually healthier for me, but what I can't believe is that she'd sink so low as to dupe her child into eating something she didn't want.

Morons, Morons Everywhere with not a thought to think

Ok, this one got me pissed. There's this little school district in East Texas that for years had a silly homecoming tradition of sending their four-year-olds to school with the girls dressed as boys and the boys dressed as girls.

This year the kids won't be playing dress-up, because a parent feared the school was promoting homosexuality and she got a lawyer to put a stop to the frivolity, probably permanently.

Here's my favorite part of the story. The concerned parent, 33 year-old Delana Davies says, "It's like experimenting with drugs. You just keep playing with it and it becomes customary. ... If it's OK to dress like a girl today, then why is it not OK in the future?"

It's that kind of logic that will put an end to toilet training everywhere... after all, if it's OK to crap your pants today, then why is it not OK in the future?

These are four-year-olds!!! They're not exactly wearing a bustiere and stiletto heels. Next thing you know, kids won't be allowed to play 'Red Rover - Come Over' unless only boy/girl hand holding is enforced.

Listen Up

My friend Mike and I discovered indie-band The Ex-Boyfriends at Spaceland last Friday night. They put on a really enjoyable show and part of their patter to the crowd included this gem: Q: What's the best thing about sex with twenty-nine-year-olds? A: There's twenty of them!

You decide...

... what situation I'm describing.

A group of people is presented with almost insurmountably incriminating FACTS about a man over a period of months while the world watches on in anticipation. As the media circus plays out, those people go on to make a baffling choice that vindicates the man in spite of said facts. Am I talking about a presidential re-election or the "trial of the century"?

See what I did there? See? See?

Friggin' Homos

Just in case you've never read the all-time-best letter to the editor in The Onion here it is.